If you are trying to lose weight, should you go to a party, where you know for sure there will be heaps of naughty food and you will lack even one teeny bit of self control? Well, don't listen to me if you think you shouldn't... I went, I ate, I had a good time!
I fitted into my nice little black top that I haven't worn for two years, and it felt so good to be wearing it. Mum bought me a long beaded necklace a couple of weeks ago and last night I wore it twirled around my neck three times, and it looked cool. It was nice to have something new and pretty to wear, something colourful with my black top. It felt fresh, somehow.
So, about that eating thing... I was pretty good with the drinks, a couple of glasses of wine and some punch, but I was a bit naughty with the food... prawns, smoked salmon on sourdough, little pastry concoctions with delicious fillings (didn't have more than 5 though), and oh, the Brie was just divine! As were the chocolate strawberries... what can I say, it was all just there! I was aware of the calorie content, and I'd like to say I was reasonably well behaved, but I wasn't... just thought, well, parties happen, it's better to play than miss out. I've given up beating myself up about it all. I'm not on a time line any more, and while it would be nice to lose something every week, it's not going to spoil my life if I don't.
I have been to parties and events before where I have made the most of diet coke, crudites and salsa and made a deliberate and firm choice not to have the naughtier foods, and even felt really great about it - not that I asked anyone to notice. It was more that I noticed myself and felt good about it. And I will do that again. But if it doesn't always happen, so what? Not worth making myself miserable about - I'm not looking for perfection in myself any more, I'm looking for peace.
Maybe I've just got to that age - when you can thumb your nose at should and can't and go live your own life. Gee, I hope so, it would be soooo liberating! We women spend so much of our lives not being good enough, trying to fit into society's image and idea of what we ought to be and do and how we should be behaving and thinking. Oh, to be free of that and just live according to our own desires and dreams! I don't think it's possible to let go all in one go though, unless something calaclysmic happens to us. It's a bit too ingrained. It will certainly be an interesting journey to be starting though.
So, to party or not to party? If I can party without excess, and know that it's a part of the flow of life (refusing to see it as a glitch, because that word has connotations of failure embedded in it) and that I can be more the me I would like to be if I relax a little about rules I set myself, and get back to my new normality the next day, then why not? It's obvious to me, feeling this way, that the change has taken place in my inner self, and it's not just a superficial "diet" thing. The new me peeks out from behind the curtain.