Flow

I've just been for my walk and I am so pleased to still feel like it! I am still walking with my friend, and it's been just as well that she has been doing it with me, because the few times I would have been lazy and not gone, she has pulled me along with her - and I've apparently done the same for her. I think I've got past that now though, and look forward to it, even when I have been to bed at a ridiculous hour like last night and haven't had enough sleep. Silly really, but some nights it is harder to switch off and let the day go. There just aren't enough hours in the day sometimes.

This morning it was cold when we first started out - all that snow down south, no doubt. But boy, by the time the hour was up and we were back home, I was not cold! It's so gorgeous out there though, despite the cooler air. I love this time of year, when the days are getting a bit longer and there are so many little differences in people's gardens along the way. The sky is a lovely shade of blue too, this early in the day. The sun is well up now at 6.30am, whereas a month ago it was still making the climb. In the middle of summer I might have to go earlier, or it will be too hot already. Don't like walking in the heat.

I forgot to go to my relaxation class this week. Doh! Twice now! I knew about it, but got busy doing something else and didn't notice the time until it was too late. Part of me thinks that that's a subconscious thing - my mind deciding without me that it's not for me or something...

You know the stories of the people who didn't get to work on time the day the twin towers crashed and therefore survived - well, sometimes I think it's those little things that we don't do, or miss, or didn't find out about till too late, that take us in a new direction, and that it's not productive to stress over them. Go with the flow and all that - if I'd been meant to be there, I would have been. There is a Scottish saying, "What's for you won't go past you."

It might be that sometimes we have to fight for things and push ourselves beyond what we think is possible, to win through, but sometimes, we have to let go and float. How do we know when to do those things though? I know for me, I have let things go that I maybe shouldn't have, or fought for things better let go - but it felt right at the time. So maybe it was and maybe I just learned a different lesson from it. Maybe it was just a practise run at fighting (or letting go) so I could hone my skills.... LOL, it's worth telling myself that anyway, rather than feeling regret. Regret is such a wasted emotion. It doesn't take you forward in any way. My philosophy is to feel the pain, forgive and let go, move on.

It's so liberating to forgive the people in our lives for not treating us well, for not being who we needed them to be, for hurting us or whatever - believe me, I have done a lot of forgiveness work and it's amazing how much better life is! I still am in awe about what happened when I finally forgave my father. That was a long slow process but I chipped away at it here and there, and then one day I just finally gave it all up, the time was right, it was done. That day, he called in, totally unexpectedly and out of the blue, for a cup of tea. He'd never done that before. We got on well. Did he know I had let go? I didn't say anything - never have done, but from that day, I was just so much lighter and we now have a good relationship.

It still astonishes me. The most astonishing thing is that it was me, I was lighter, I was more open, I was unburdened by the act of forgiveness. In the end it wasn't about him, or any of the other people I have forgiven, it was about me and the burden it was for me. Holding that much pain and unforgiveness hurts the person holding it, not the other person, though I'm sure they feel something too. Pain is a personal thing, but a person's pain can travel outwards from them and affect everything and everyone around them.

So, then, knowing all that, how come I find it so hard to forgive myself? Shouldn't I just go with the flow and let go some of the things I have been holding on to, and cease beating myself up and tsking about things I have done or not done? Yes, I should. I so expect more of myself than I do of anyone else and it so ticks me off when I don't do well - or at least, as well as I think I ought to. Maybe the forgiving of myself is the next step on the journey.