Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Alone With My Thoughts

The day has ended successfully and I'm already feeling the benefits of doing this. Funny, I've put this off for so long now, knowing that I wanted to, but just avoiding like crazy, it's ridiculous. And now that I'm doing it, I am having no problem at all, and wondering why I've been so lax. Der, this could all have been over with a year ago (or more...). Oh well, I'm here now and that's the most important thing.

It's taking the journey that's important for me, really, not the end result, somehow. But then I've always liked the journey as much as the destination, whether it's a walk in the bush or a road trip - love watching it all go by along the way. I'm looking forward to this journey to a fitter, fabber me. (If there's no such word in the real world, there should be!) Especially if it makes me stronger and more "me" at the same time.

I am so ready to be me, and not just whoever's wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, neighbour, cousin, niece, aunty, etc. Not that I want to stop being any of those things, those roles all contribute to my happiness. But somehow, somewhere along the way, I have lost me - my own desires and needs and ideas and direction - in the day to day running of things. I've lost the Importance of Being Me and just become a passenger and help-meet of the people around me. And it is important to be who we are, isn't it? We often try to be all things to all people, and often appear to be succeeding beautifully, too. But if we aren't filling our own cup, eventually we will run very low and not have anything left to give.

So today, I have been thinking about what my needs are and what, if anything, I actually do entirely for myself - not in relation to other people's needs and desires. It's trickier than you might think at first! Almost everything involves someone else.

Doing this diet is entirely for me. It's all about being more comfortable, being healthier so I can carry on living a good life for a long time yet, and being happier to see photos of myself. I don't really give a fig what anyone else thinks - if they have a problem, it belongs to them, not me. But I've been ignoring or dismissing how it makes me feel myself...not good.

I went for a walk today again. My goal is an early morning walk for half an hour Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and an hour sometime on the weekend - like a walk on the beach or through the bush to the river or something a bit more interesting than the usual. I will build up to more eventually, but that's enough to start with. Can't shock the system too much now, can I? ;-) What I am rediscovering is that the time alone in the morning is a lovely way to start the day. I'm alone with my thoughts and can just potter about in my head without interruption.

I've been very good food wise, too. Quite proud of myself really, but it's making up my mind to start that's the hardest for me. Once I have actually gone through a process of committing in my head, it's easy. Like tonight, I really wanted to eat all the rest of the cookies in the jar, but I just looked at them instead and walked away. I wanted to, but I wasn't tempted to break the diet. Does that make sense? Last week I would have vacuumed them into my mouth without even noticing.... and tonight it didn't even feel like denial, just a decision. Yay! I'm getting there!